Superman villains

You know those villains on Superman comics and cartoons who invariably get their asses kicked in the end? Well, you know what? Those guys are fucking imbeciles. Goddamn morons to the umpteenth degree. Every fucking story starts off with some maniacal half-retarded nincompoop who thinks they can start shit in Metropolis and get away with it.

Does every villain in the DC universe (DC is the name of the comic book publisher that publishes Superman, for those of you who may have mistaken it for the capital of USA or the skateboard merchandise company) have a goddamn learning disability? I mean JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! You start shit anywhere NEAR metropolis and you’ll get your asses handed to you. End of fucking story.

Why am I writing this? Because I recently stumbled unto the old Superman cartoons that they used to show way back when. Way before I was born, but I used to watch because they kicked so much fucking ass (I’m saying “ass” a lot in this post. Maybe I have some sort of fixation on the human buttocks--but don’t tell anyone, lest they spread fallacy and hearsay regarding certain insecurities… >_>). Err… anyway…

I think if you start shit in or near Metropolis, you better give the FUCK up, because you have no goddamn chance in hell. If you even CONSIDER Superman’s track record, you’ll see that it’s obvious you can’t beat this guy. However, I must point out the fact that, as denizens of the REAL world (Or IS IT?) we are much more objective in our observations of Superman’s universe; therefore, we must take into account the fact that the villains of the DC universe are driven and compelled by certain forces beyond their control and under manipulation of the writers of the cartoon and/or comic. Still, you must realize the monumental stupidity of the villains in the DC universe.

I wonder if they’re too lazy to do their research or something. I mean, someone like Superman must surely be relatively high profile. How the FUCK do you miss something like his UNDEFEATABILITY? If you try to make Superman shit his pants with a couple of pansy-ass tin can pieces of shit robots, you need a goddamn remedial course in the art ass-kickery.

If you’re wondering why I’m writing about how much Superman kicks ass, it’s because I’m slightly drunk and have nothing else to write about.

One last thing: despite what anyone might say, Batman could school Superman any day. Just ask Frank Miller.

hammer time

Cartoon rapist on the loose

The picture on the left is a police sketch of a rapist on the loose. The one on the right is that of a tattoo on his arm. I'm gonna let the pictures speak for themselves.

Goddamn cab drivers: Part V

Now, I mentioned racist cab drivers before, but this is a different kind.

One day my brother and I missed the bus to school, so we decided to walk down the hill and catch a cab. Like most mornings the traffic was pretty hectic, with jackknives and rollovers at every block. There were a lot of cabs, but very few were vacant.

We were understandably frustrated as we were walking along, trying desperately to hail a cab. We’d already been missed by two empty ones at this point (the drivers were too busy negotiating their ways through traffic to notice us on the other side of the road), when I saw a cab heading straight for us. My brother didn’t see it because he was looking at the traffic coming from behind us.

I was about to call my brother when this shit happened:

The driver and I made eye contact, so I figured he would stop and pick us up. Wrong. He maintained the eye contact as he took down the TAXI sign from his windshield (the plastic type that clings to the glass). As he did this, his expression changed, as if to say, “You maldito chino!” and as he passed, he still maintained eye contact.

I wonder--did some Asian guy do something to him? Did a bunch of drunken Chinese men run a train on his mother when he was little and forced him to watch? Did some Japanese guy tie him up and cornhole him? Was he mugged and stabbed by an angry mob of chinky-eyed lunatics one cold, winter night as he was trying to deliver medicine to his dying grandmother?

Whatever it was, he looked pissed off.


To be continued…

Pissing too much

Yes, this is way too much information for most of you, but I felt absolutely compelled to share this with you all.

I don’t know what it is that I ate or drank or smoked or snorted but today I’ve been pissing like a--for the lack of a better word--motherfucker. I’ve already been to the bathroom eight times since this morning, and ladies and gentlemen, these were no mere trickles of fluid like water from a melting icicle during the spring thaw. No, these were powerful streams of urinary might--streams that would kill small animals--streams of Olympian proportions--streams that would squelch the sun itself into a hissing, steaming submission.

I hope you have been thoroughly disgusted by this entry.